The most “normal” adult mother-daughter relationships can be difficult to traverse. You are familiar with that “normal” that “they” refer to as.
The “normal” where there are no mental health problems or substance abuse. If there’s a healthy level of communication and, minus a few moments of rebellion in the teenage years the childhood was a joy and there aren’t any significant complaints. These relationships in the stories aren’t without their problems as the child develops into an adult and wants independence from her mother, which she doesn’t want to grant her.
This isn’t my experience. Over the last couple of years, I’ve discovered that my mom was a functional alcoholic ever since my father died when I was just ten years old. I’ve accepted recently that even though her alcoholism has been treated, her narcissism and ego-centricity are not. I’m not going to waste my time criticizing my mother. This isn’t what this piece is about.
It’s about finding a way to triumph amid chaos.
In the midst of all the chaos, there were enjoyable moments. Perhaps it was the moment of clarity, perhaps it was a an euphoria. It’s hard to say. At the moment I’m not sure it’s important. It’s important that I’ve got a good memory.
When I turned twenty-eight and experiencing what I refer to as the “worst mania ever”. It was the month of February, which meant that I was devastated because my Valentine’s Day plans had just been destroyed. I learned that the person I was in love for a whole year with was getting married.
I was shocked when I rang my mom. Next day she arrived unexpectedly. When she entered the front door (without knocking) she spoke only one word “Pack.” This wasn’t the first time she’s done that to me. Therefore, I was smarter than to inquire and followed the instructions given to me.
When I was struggling to decide what I should bring (laundry wasn’t done in one week) when she walked into my room and asks, “Did you pack your swimsuit?” I told her the month of February was Michigan as there was about a one-foot snowfall over the earth. She replied that it was not a problem. I broke the rules of her being her child. She inquired about what the destination was. My swimsuit was a sign that we were headed to a warm place and this would impact the clothes I brought.
“I don’t know what I am yet. This is the reason you should bring your swimsuit. You don’t know when you’re likely to require the item.” The lady was correct. We ended up heading north until St. Ignace, Michigan to a casino with an indoor swimming pool.
“Don’t forget your swimsuit” was one of her most important rules when we’d make impromptu trips the far reaches of nowhere. I didn’t understand why, because we’d sometimes forget to take the swimsuits. “But at least we had them.” She would tell me when I’d suggest that bringing them around was useless.
Today I am still packing my swimming suit. My best friend, boyfriend and I were away for in the last few weeks and I made sure that they pack their swimming suits. I specifically booked the hotel with an outdoor pool. They weren’t used however, we did have them. They complained the same way I used to do, and I smiled.
In my adulthood, I have used “always pack your swimsuit” in my daily life. However, it has more meaning for me today than the literal meaning. I interpreted the meaning of the simple expression to mean, “be prepared for anything”.
For instance, even though I cook only for myself I usually cook enough food to last for at most one week. If the week is hectic or I’m in a good enough state to cook, I could simply put food on the stove in the microwave. Additionally, it allows me the time needed to head to the supermarket in case I’m running out of something. It helps me stay in the lead to ensure that I’m never short of food.
In the process of writing my book I sketch them out. I’m curious about what’s going to happen the next time. Even if characters change to me, I’m ready to deal with whatever they have to throw at me. If they don’t talk to me, I’ve got an idea of how I can continue until they get back to talking again.
I am prone to “always pack my swimsuit” in my relationships as well. It could be the only negative aspect of the phrase. I always try to keep my best foot forward and let good things occur. However, on the other side I’m always preparing myself for the worst that could happen. I keep my bags mentally packed in case I need cut off emotional ties in order to keep myself safe.
I’ve had to think about not doing this. It’s okay not to be ready for anything. It’s okay to go day-by-day and be open to risk even if you be hurt. John Lennon said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.” He’s absolutely right. Are you looking to make God smile? Let him know your ideas. It’s simply not possible for us to predict how things will play out.
Insuring that your swimsuit is packed throughout your day life could help you stay “safe” in the dysfunctional sense of the word. Don’t ask me about it, but I do not wish that my funeral attendees are telling me stories of the times I was safe.
I’m aware that it’s a negative result of the kind of childhood I experienced. However, that’s not her fault. She did what she could with the resources she had. It’s true that it was baggage she threw on my luggage rack, however, as an adult it’s my responsibility to put the bag down and let it go to the past.
The moral of the story?
Keep an umbrella handy in case of rain. You should are equipped with a spare tire available in the event of flat. Keep milk that has been powdered in the cabinet in case you are unable to go to the grocery store for regular milk. Be ready for anything however, don’t be too cautious. Make sure to always wear your swimsuit. It’s fun to swim.
